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Three years of learning, a lifetime to go... Wow… I cannot believe I celebrated 3 years of sobriety on November 28. Since I got sober, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and questioned my existence. When you get sober, a part of you dies that has dominated your entire soul for a long time. You feel reborn, but it’s not very pretty at first. It might feel like you’re a naked mole rat in the middle of Alaska: blind, vulnerable, disoriented, cold, and lost. But eventually, you learn to adapt and create a new life that has much more meaning than the one half-experienced in a haze. #1 - I didn’t “find myself” like I wanted to When I got sober for the last time, I had this vision of “finding myself”. Kind of like the story of Eat, Pray Love, I yearned for that Elizabeth Gilbert journey where I blossom after divorce and experience spaghetti like the Lord Himself cooked it. No, none of that happened. I cried, kicked, screamed, and kept asking God what the point of staying sober was. I was stretching one arm out to the future, while looking back at the past. I made no progress until I forced my head forward. I didn’t find myself because there was no one there to find. Addiction took every tangible thing from me, and I was left in an empty apartment with a bottle and a thunderstorm of confusion as to who I truly was. I was on an exhausting, never-ending journey to “finding” someone who was not there anymore. That was the most beautiful lesson I learned from sobriety; I did not find myself, I created it. She is much better than the version I thought I needed to find. #2 - Relapse prevention plans are vital, not optional Three years later, I still make sure not to get too cocky. No amount of sobriety chips, celebrations, blog posts, and tattoos will keep me sober - I WILL. That is where I need to remember that I am human. Cravings, triggers, and tragedies happen in life. I am not immune to wanting to drink, and that is okay. It is critical to remember that relapse can happen, even after 10, 20, 50 years of sobriety. I practice caution with phrases like “I don’t even think about it anymore” or “It’s not an option for me anymore”. As amazing as it feels saying that, I need to remember that sobriety is something that I need to work on daily, since it’s SO much more than purely ‘not drinking’. It’s having a plan in place when that smell of bourbon causes a flashback, or something happens that feels impossible to cope with. It’s a toolbox to reach into during tough times and looks different for everyone. #3 - Change is within me, not outside of me Just like a said before, no amount of outside treasures or celebrations truly make that shift inside. The feeling of sobriety is different than just ‘not drinking’. You feel this change within yourself when it becomes a part of who you are; something you are proud of. It is different for everyone, but when I felt the shift was my response to being offered a drink recently. Instead of brushing it off with “not today”, “no thank you”, or “I don’t drink”, I proudly say “I am actually a recovering alcoholic”. I caught myself in that moment, because I was not afraid of the reactions I get from that statement anymore. I didn’t lie, or cover up that huge part of my new life. I now say it with my head held high, in hopes I might inspire someone who hears me five feet away. #4 - Sobriety is an act of self-love I practice daily Why do we drink? The answers I usually hear are to "have more fun”, “be more social”, “ease anxiety”, “not feel feelings”, “distract me”… Most of these answers are for one single goal: we want to erase our present moment and the uncomfortable feelings surrounding it. Life is meant to be lived moment by moment, and it is something that needs to be practiced daily. In a world of distractions, we need to choose ourselves each passing day. You are the only person that is with you every second of your life; learn to love your own company. #5 - I didn't have trouble making friends Sobriety is more common than it may seem. At first, I avoided socializing and kept to myself for the first year of sobriety. When I moved to Texas, I decided to talk more about my story for those who wanted to hear. To my surprise, I have had not ONE negative reaction. Some of my neighbors were thrilled to hear that the 20-something-year-olds that moved in next door aren’t drinkers. Making friends was easy, and I learned that not every date with the girls has to be over bottles of booze. It could be lunch at the pizzeria, thrifting, learning how to make charcuterie, or experimenting with mocktail recipes. I have had people open up to me about their own experiences and how alcohol has impacted their families, and others who were sober-curious. I recreated and reintroduced myself to others. I also reintroduced myself to, well, myself. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror when I opened myself up to the idea of having a life without liquor. I had no idea I was extroverted. I had no idea I could not only hold down a job, but find one I love doing every day. I had no idea I had a place in this world, and that I can be a light in it. I could picture God’s crossed arms, laughing, and head shaking… “Girl, this is what I’ve been trying to show you”.

Whether you're getting sober, overcoming depression, or simply in a funk, these four steps to take are guaranteed to help you out. Just like physical health, mental health takes forming better habits. After struggling for five years with alcoholism and having so many “last drinks”, I realized that I was chasing an answer to everything. In other words, I was desperately holding on for something or someone to tell me how to fix my brain and tell me exactly why I’m suffering. After spending years trying to figure it out, and what seemed like a million different diagnoses, I realized that the human mind is much more complex than that and our feelings and behaviors cannot be perfectly explained from a doctor’s diagnosis or therapy sessions. These open the door for us and help us understand how we operate as individuals, but they will not “fix” us. We do not need “fixing”. After almost two years of sobriety, these are four important steps I take every day to improve my mental state: #1 - Stop chasing answers that may not exist Stop chasing the answers that might not exist. You’ll spend more time thinking about what the issues are than taking care of yourself. Throughout my life, I have jumped from therapist to therapist, hospital to rehab, and medication to medication. Although each experience has taught me something significant and aided me in my journey, I noticed a pattern: With each therapist, psychiatrist, hospital, rehab, etc. came different perspectives and interpretations of my life story. Even though I seemed to tell my story and share my struggles countless times with countless people, each person will interpret it differently based on their expertise and personal experiences. Even though multiple opinions are always a good idea for mental and physical ailments, this can result in confusion and desperation for a correct diagnosis. Even if the diagnosis is correct, treatment varies from person to person since not everyone experiences depression, anxiety, addiction, bipolar disorder, ADHD, etc. the exact same. I am not saying that seeking treatment is a waste of time; trying new treatment options helps you find what works. If the answers are not crystal clear, do not be discouraged. What we need will change over the years and will take time to find. Stop the search and start living. #2 - Stick with what works for you When I first decided to try sobriety, I forced myself into AA meetings that were making me feel worse because that’s what I was told was a fool-proof cure. These meetings can be life-saving for many people, and the feeling of community is so important when you feel lost and alone. On the other hand, it is ritualistic and more traditional, which does not work for everyone. It’s okay if something doesn’t work for you. Recovery is not one-size-fits-all. If you find yourself forcing yourself into activities that overwhelm you or make you feel uncomfortable, it's most likely not setting you up for success. It is good to try things that are out of your comfort zone, but consistently pushing past that zone makes everything feel unnatural and impossible. For example, I tried by hardest to wake up at dawn every morning and go to the gym. That lasted two days. This might work for many, but definitely not for someone who has been a night owl since birth. "I think everyone evolves over the years, but I have always had the silhouette that I know suits me. I am never going to wear a frothy, poufy thing that sticks out because I have found a style that works for me, and I stick with it." - L'Wren Scott Stick with your personal style. #3 - Set boundaries with others It’s not selfish to need time for yourself daily. As a so-called "people-pleaser", I always felt the need to immediately respond to texts, take the shift someone needs covered, and put others' needs before mine. Does this sound like you? It is okay to help others, but putting your own mental health at risk will result in burnout. These are some examples of steps I made to set these boundaries: I put my phone on "do not disturb" mode whenever I need time for myself to sleep, write, read, or take a candlelit bubble bath. You can't be tempted to respond to notifications that don't show up. I always check for prior commitments on my calendar, to do lists, and personal needs before I immediately respond to covering a shift at work for someone. I do not budge with begging or bribery anymore if I am simply unable to help. It is okay to say no without apologizing. If I need alone time, I take it. No explanations necessary. #4 - Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. In other words, don’t spend all of your energy trying to perfect one aspect of life. On the other hand, don't overwhelm yourself by trying to "fix your life" in a weekend. This will throw things off balance completely. Find your equilibrium. The best example I can think of has been challenging me for years, and I can imagine many people can relate to it: my weight. Growing up thin, I never thought that would change. As my body has evolved into adulthood, I have definitely gained a few pounds and made the mistake of judging my character because of it, often criticizing myself for "letting myself go", being lazy, etc. None of these are true. Losing weight seemed to take over my every thought and action, throwing me into obsessive dieting and exercise habits that were not sustainable. Once I made the decision that I will make mental health a priority, physical health followed that. Instead of making healthier choices for a goal regarding physical appearance, I make these decisions for supporting everyday health and happiness. This became much more natural and helped me be much kinder to myself as a result. Put yourself first today.

We all need a starting point... Recently, I made the move from Arizona to Texas. During my 1,000 mile drive there, I reflected on how much has changed in the past few years and how I made sobriety work for my life after so many attempts that went south. That's when I realized that the changes within me were tremendously supported by the changes on the outside. I left a job that triggered my alcohol abuse, re-evaluated my relationships, moved out of my lonely apartment and in with family, the list goes on. Even though it was full of emotional turmoil, I would do it all over again. Change is guaranteed in life and embracing it was the most important step in the journey. After reflecting on the changes that brought me to forever sobriety, I thought of three critical categories in your environment: home/work, hobbies, and people. Home & work When I went to rehab in 2019, I flew to San Diego expecting to come back a changed woman. I envisioned coming back an entirely different person, and even got a new haircut before my trip back to reflect what I felt on the inside. As soon as I left the facility, I felt as if the "new me" was slowly being stripped away, revealing the broken person inside and shedding the facade that I created during my stay. It seems as if a bottle of whiskey was opened as soon as I walked through my front door, and I found myself drunk within three days of being home. I felt hopeless, and as time went on, I realized that I never created a plan of success or changed anything in my environment to support my sobriety. Your environment becomes familiar with your habits. For example, I had very specific spots in my home where I drank and hid my booze as well as triggering objects such as certain cups I would use for certain drinks. Coming home to everything being the same brought me right back to my old life. It welcomed me back to what I was familiar with. Wiping everything away and starting over is not possible for everyone, if anyone. Changing the environments you spend most of your time in is a crucial step to sustaining sobriety. This looks different for everyone, but rearranging furniture and getting rid of triggering objects and paraphernalia around your home and work could be a great start. These are some of the steps I took in my environment: I gave my beloved red "drinking chair" to a family member for their living room I donated all of the mugs I regularly drank out of I cut up my credit card (the bane of my existence) and tracked my spending I donated any clothing that had logos and writing representing alcohol Hobbies As well as your physical environment, it is vital to adjust your emotional one as well. Activities that you used to engage in while drinking/using might not be something you want to keep around. For example, you might associate a certain television show or online poker with drinking. This was one of the most difficult changes to make and definitely took a lot of work, but also helped me uncover some other activities I was going overboard with. The one activity that comes to mind that was damaging my life as well was my shopping habit. It was a compulsive need to keep spending money on things I didn't need to fill a void I did not know I had. When alcohol came into the picture, I would wake up to packages at my door step that I didn't remember ordering. This habit cost me tens of thousands of dollars and was only getting worse. If you have a dual addiction like this, it is important to focus on one at a time. It can be overwhelming trying to rebuild a skyscraper overnight- it takes time, guidance, and support. After almost two years of sobriety, I am finally free from debt and working on a savings plan for my future. This also gave opportunity to learn about budgeting and investing. It became a new hobby that is much more beneficial to my life! People Cutting off toxic ties does NOT make you selfish; put yourself first for one moment. Think of every friendship or relationship you have in your life and ask yourself this question: "Would they still be in my life if I was sober/clean?" Many times, these people would still be in your life and be their own version of "supportive", but being sober will teach you a lot about the real definition of that word. When I first got sober, I found myself still going to the same bars with friends, going to parties I pretended weren't triggering, and even being taken advantage of as "designated driver". I took pride in being the sober one of the room and even bragged about what a great friend I was being the driver, but I didn't realize that engaging in the same activities with the same people and simply not consuming alcohol was not living a truly sober life. Over time, I missed being part of the "fun", so I relapsed within five months which led me down an even darker path. When I got sober for good, I decided putting myself first and cutting people out of my life was not selfish. It was necessary to survive and recover from an addiction that almost took my life. Put yourself first.

It's been a tough few years... My absence caused by relapse shows how much of a struggle addiction is each and every day. On 11.28.2020 I decided to fight again, this time, finding my purpose in the fight. The ivy plant represents continuous growth and resilience while gold represents daily achievements in life and sobriety My sobriety After losing virtually everything from relapse, I decided on a second trip to rehab in 2020. I found that true sobriety was not just abstaining from substances and distracting ourselves until our inevitable death... It was a way of life and had to become my identity. I found a love for connecting with others, sharing my story, and dedicating my life to this cause. I found a new love for life that I have never felt before. It required 24/7 effort and giving every opportunity, big and small, a chance. I found myself kicking and screaming during early sobriety, going back and forth with the decision. So, I asked myself a question... "Why do I keep changing my mind on being sober?" After scavenging through sobriety blogs one day, I found a simple acronym that changed my view on sobriety forever: nqtd. never question the decision I found this on an article written by the amazing Holly Glenn Whitaker, owner of Tempest. Her commitment to this quote inspired me to make one too. To me, nqtd means that even if I find myself reflecting on my past, I do not create an option to go back to the way I was living. This means that I do not allow myself to mope because I don't have my morning whiskey while I'm watching the news. Now, I simply make my coffee to start my day off and remind myself how much stronger I am without alcohol. My plans After I move a few states away for a fresh environment and new opportunities, I want to focus on creating content and continuing my journey with soberivy to write, inspire, and educate myself and others on addiction. My journey the past few years has led me into a career in coffee, which has created a passion and a creative outlet for myself. Becoming a barista has done wonders in my sobriety and sense of purpose, and I look forward to connecting with people and crafting my skill each day. My journey has also led me to true love when it felt impossible to love, let alone be loved. His continuous support and unconditional love each day excites me for the future, and having a sober companion reminds me that I don't have to do this alone. I plan on writing to inspire and support others who are sober or sober-curious. One day, I dream of soberivy becoming something so much more. One day at a time.

Feeling curious about sobriety but not ready to make it a part of life? Trust me, I understand. Getting sober is an enormous life change, and I lost count of how many "last drinks" I had before I truly got sober. That is why I wanted to write an article based on things I've said during my sober-curious stage, and "reasons" why I thought I couldn't and shouldn't get sober. Maybe you've heard yourself say these too? I hope you feel heard, seen, and understood. "I've been drinking/using for so long, why stop now?" I have heard this many times, and it's not always about getting sober. I especially hear this when it comes to feelings of making other significant life changes such as career, moving, and education. "I've been in this industry for so long, it's too late to make a change" "I'm too old to go back to school" "I've lived here my whole life, I might as well stay" Making a change, no matter how big or small, takes a shift in mindset. When our brain is conditioned to hearing the same thing for a long time, it believes it to be true, even if it's far from the truth. Usually, when we hear of someone getting sober after 25 years of heavy drinking or getting their degree at the age of 60 we often think of them as rare success stories or "miracles". Changing your mindset about social and cultural norms takes work. It also takes a courage to stand up for yourself no matter what the situation may be, and ignoring the naysayers. "Life would be boring" This is a very common lie that society holds on to, and it used to be my truth as well. I was so afraid for so long that I would miss the "feeling" that alcohol gave me or things wouldn't be "as fun". Again, reflection, reflection, reflection... I deeply reflected on those fears, and came to find that "the feeling" I was afraid of losing was numbness, not euphoria. After I drank myself into oblivion, emotions such as anger, sadness, and self-loathing would emerge and many times I would not remember any of it. The "fun feeling" I so often craved was actually an imposter disguising itself as feelings of relaxation, enjoyment, and confidence. It's fun until it's not. "I'm more confident and social while I'm drunk/high" Ahhhhh, the ole' "social lubricant" fallacy... This one is especially difficult for those who struggle with social anxiety or are simply introverted. I will never forget when my mom told me "you are depriving the world of yourself". You are enough the way that you are, and so much better than the numbed version of you. "I'm not like Uncle Jim...I'm functional!" Putting yourself into a category or claiming you don't have a problem because you're "not as bad as Uncle Jim" is counterproductive in justifying a habit. Addiction manifests itself in different ways, and no two people are the same. I remember using my young age as an excuse to binge drink even though it consumed every aspect of my life. There's danger in comparisons and labels. Remember, no matter what stage of sobriety you're finding yourself in right now, you are not alone. Want to start small? Read this article from Soberish to prepare yourself for what the first few weeks of life would be like sober. The mountain looks huge from down here, but the view is worth it.

I bet you've heard all of these a thousand times... let's dig deeper. "You'll save money, be healthier, hold down a job, etc..." We've heard it all. I know when I was living in active addiction, the last thing I cared about was my liver health and bank account. It took more than just surface-level advice to truly find reasons to get and stay sober because I was miserable and self-destructive. When I kicked alcohol to the curb, I discovered reasons that motivate me each day to keep going. #1 - Unlock your potential Taking massive amounts of time out of your life to drink/use can be spent developing and creating yourself. Notice how I did not say "find yourself". I am a firm believer in taking time to develop yourself over merely searching for something that might not even be there yet. In other words, stop searching for meaning and create it. Sobriety allows you to spend a lot of time with yourself, not the numb and inebriated version of you. At first, this is incredibly intimidating because it might feel like spending time with a complete stranger. Taking this time to discover your passions in life will give purpose to it and goals to work toward. There is so much potential to impact the world and sobriety can help clear that path toward unlocking your fullest potential. #2 - Stop wasting precious time I remember when I was a kid, I was asked by a friend what I would do if I had one year left to live. This is way too much for a child to comprehend, I know. I probably said something along the lines of "skydiving" or "go to Paris". Truthfully, we really don't know exactly how much time we have on Earth. This question impacted me during early sobriety because I was constantly craving alcohol. When these cravings hit, I found myself asking myself the same question I was asked as an adolescent. Now that life has a new perspective, the answers to that question are much different. None of them involve me spending it under the influence. #3 - Inspire others “What you do has a far greater impact than what you say." - Stephen Covey The biggest blessing of my sobriety has been inspiring the world around me. I don't do this by trying to convince others to get sober, but by showing them what it looks like and how much I've blossomed in so many aspects of my life. I will never forget when a friend of mine told me that she turned to a bottle of tequila after a fight with a family member. She said that she thought of me, and decided to put it away that night instead of opening it and throwing back a few. Or, when my brother told a struggling family member to put the bottle down "just like Sáci did" (Sáci is a nickname of mine). These stories about my impact on others are the reasons I keep pushing forward and remember to keep climbing and not let go of my new purpose. Life should not consist of waking up feeling like we need to "get through the day". Craft the day and create a life you are proud of. Keep climbing.